Healing Alone After a Lifetime of Abuse: What to Know When You Have No Support System.
Understanding the Journey of Healing in Isolation
As much as I wish we all had a support system to walk us through our healing journey, this is mostly not the case. Often times we are left to heal alone, in insolation, with little or no support. Research shows that having a support system significantly impacts the healing process from life long trauma. Yet, healing is still possible without support. The process, unfortunately is often longer, more difficult and more isolating, but very achievable. Here are some things to know while healing in isolation.
Feeling Everything You Were Told to Ignore
Often, individuals who have experienced life long traumas have also experience someone telling them to suppress that trauma. Maybe even an unsaid expectation for you to forget about it. I have heard it all, from; “it’s in the past, let it go” to “it happened to me and I’m fine.”
These expectation of me took over for a long time and I would force myself to forget. Force myself to “be okay.” All that lead to was slow and steady self-destruction. I hated myself. I hated myself for being weak and for feeling bad about what had happened to me. That hate I had for myself eventually became my whole existence. I was just a big ball of hate and resentment.
Once I began my healing process, I realized I also needed to process what had happened to me. I had to face it head on and not flinch away. I had to FEEL IT, all of it.
It started with just me and my therapist talking about what had happened to me. This kicked off my grieving but because I had no family or friends, this processes was also a lonely one.
My journal became my best friend. I wrote down everything I was feeling and I cried, a lot. But those tears were healing me, I just didn’t know it yet. I reminded myself that I did not deserve what happened to me. I told myself that I am worthy of love. Most importantly, I allowed myself to feel… EVERYTHING.
No one talks much about this part of the journey. The grieving for your past self and for your inner child who so often was forced to “take it on the chin.” No one wants to talk about the messy parts, only the finished results. But we couldn’t have made it to that finish line without concurring many battles on the way.
You can be the one who’s stays when everyone has abandoned you.
Learn to Love Your Own Company
Walking through life alone feels unnatural to us because of the pressure society puts on family and romantic love. While having these things by default is great, for some of us, it just is not reality. That’s why it’s important to learn to love your own company.
I can’t begin to tell you how many time I have wanted to do something but talked my way out of it because I had no one to go with. I allowed myself to miss out on so many beautiful life experiences just because I didn’t want to go alone. Now, I understand that I can do anything alone and enjoy it just as much, if not more, than if I was with another person.
I started small with movies and the farmer markets. I then slowly worked myself up to concerts and festivals. Not only did this open up my life to new experiences, it also opened me up to getting to know myself. I learned who I was and I fell in-love with her. Learned to dance alone, eat alone, travel alone, and love myself all alone. I didn’t need anyone else to validate my worth because I was spending everyday validating myself.
Learning to enjoy time alone was difficult but a special skill we should all master. This road will ultimately lead you down a path of self-love, self-acceptance, emotional independence, and help build your inner confidence.
For all these reasons, I strongly encourage you to go see that movie alone, sign up for that exercise class, go see your favorite artist, check out that museum you been wanting to go to, or just go to the beach and enjoy being on earth. Learn to sit with yourself and I promise you will fall in-love.
Finding Your Own Community
The next step into healing in solitude is to get out of solitude and create your own community and support system from scratch. The new version of yourself that will emerge many different times as you heal needs a community that aligns with this you.
When I began this step I was terrified to put myself out there and meet new people. Amazingly, I wasn’t the only one looking for community or the only one terrified to be venerable. I did a little research on community events and groups that aligned with my interest and simply started attending things. Eventually I found my people! I found events that I liked to attended with like minded people. This lead to leaving with making at least one new friend.
I also found a women’s group in Kelsali Wellness that I had been apart of for two years now. They help provide me with a beautiful connection to other women and a true sense of acceptance. I have never felt alone in my struggles after meeting these women and I will forever cherish that feeling.
My new community maybe small but the quality is large. All of these things I found through instagram and a simple search of community events. As you meet new people and hear their stories, you will create a network that can lead you to other opportunities and experiences.
Being burdened with the struggle of going through the healing process alone is hard and very lonely but it doesn’t have to be forever. We are capable of building our own family and healing through new connections. This will help you to feel empower while also empowering others. You are able to shape the culture you want to see and be surrounded by. Instead of attempting to fit into something, you can control the tone, values and purpose.
Stepping Into Wholeness: Where Healing Turns into Freedom
I know we have the odds stacked against us but we can make it through the darkness alone. We can push through the pain and find the peace within the solitude. Leaning to love ourselves will lead us to the confidence we need to create a new and healthy community that aligns with our journeys. Don’t give up on healing from life long trauma. You deserve love, peace, acceptance, softness and happiness.
For more on my personal healing journey click here.
