My Self-Love Journey

When you are young you think you know everything about everything. Then, when you get older and wiser you realize you did not know shit. That was my experience with life so far, but unfortunately with more tragedy and full of trauma. Despite the reality of my upbringing, today I feel confident and capable of anything I put my mind and heart to. At 35, with three kids, 15, 11, and 10, I am finally living life the way I want to. I own a home, full of animals and plants, and my kids are happy and capable. However, this has only been my reality for a few years. It took me years of self-love and healing through therapy as well as spiritual healing to get to this feeling of peace, gratitude, and true self love.  

The Reason

Lifelong trauma is like a storm we ride out until we decide to move to warmer climates, or we give in and never truly live at all. We just ride the storm until we are ripped to shreds.  

Someone said to me once:  

“You’re not healing to handle the pain, you been doing that, you’re healing to handle the joy.”  

I was 31 when I had enough of the storm. I was ready to move to warmer climates and find more to this short life. I wanted peace, not only for myself but for my children as well. They deserve better. I kept telling myself. I wanted my kids to LIVE not just survive like I had been doing since I was 5 years old. Surviving only got me in a shit marriage that I just could not break free from, and PTSD I did not even realize I had. 

The parts of myself and my past traumas that I kept hidden inside were slowly taking over my whole life. I found myself saying to myself, I hate myself, more than I said anything positive to myself. 

The Breaking Point

 Over time you will feel the effects of such self-hate. The day I chose to change my life was also the worst day of my life. I had given into the storm by now and was falling apart. My mind had ripped itself to shreds with hateful thoughts.  

It all started with a simple outing with friends, lunch in the park. The sky was blue and full of perfect white clouds. Me and my two girlfriends sat on a pink blanket with a spread of lunch meats, assortment of cheeses, and bread. We giggled, gossiped, and had a wonderful time. The afternoon ended and we all said our goodbyes and headed our separate ways.  

Everything was great, but not great. As soon as I was alone in my car, my mind went to work on its self-destruction. 

I cannot believe you ate so many sandwiches, now they think you are a pig and will never invite you again. 

You’re a pig.  

Why did you wear this top? You look like you are trying too hard.  

You talk stupid.  

They think you are stupid.  

You are so stupid.  

By the time I make it home I am in tears made by my own doing. 

I cannot do this anymore. Something needs to change.  

The Shift

Now that I had made the decision to change my life, it was time to act. The first step I had to take, also the hardest step to take, was the uncomfortable process of facing my pain and trauma; I headed back out into a storm. I faced all those ugly and hard places I had never faced before with the help of my therapist. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It forced me to lift the mask and reveal my true broken and battered self. I took a good look at her and breathed her in and accepted her as she came.  

After I faced my pain, it was time to heal from it. Time to place bandages on unhealed wounds and ice on the swollen areas. I wrapped myself in my arms and I loved on her like a new and exciting lover. Anything I wanted to do; I did. I took myself out, I bought myself gifts, and I treated my body and mind with respect. I also continued therapy, meditated, hiked, and went to women’s groups.  

Then slowly but surely peace of mind creeped in. I started to make decisions that were in my best interests. I left my husband and bought a home with no support; I supported myself. My life started to reflect the love and respect I gave to myself.  

Every day is not a fairytale, but my overall life is full and beautiful. I find myself saying, I love myself, often now-a-days. Self-love is just as important as any romantic love, if not more important and we should all prioritize it.  

For help with the first steps in your healing journey click here.